PLGRM

When I was a brand new parent, someone told me I had one job regarding my kid:

“Teach them how to make good choices so they can grow up and leave your house.”

For good or for ill, that piece of advice (along with Mr. Roger’s admonition that we learn to name our feelings) has guided every parenting decision I’ve made for the last quarter century. It was obvious on it’s face that the advice was good. It was inline with “Teach someone to fish…”

The reason any parent gravitates towards a piece of advice like this is simple: We want our kids to be happy. And not just that, but we want them to be happy without it always being our responsibility to make them happy.

Journalist Cameron Albert-Deitch recently shared of his mother’s belief that autonomy over our lives in a key factor in contributing to a person’s happiness. As such, she instilled in he and his sister four simple rules to live by:

1. Do what makes you happy.
2. You can do anything in this world that you really want to do.
3. You don’t have to do anything in this world that you don’t really want to do.
4. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you must.

Again, on the face of it, this set of rules is clearly good and helpful. But, in my opinion, it’s the implied “other part” of them that makes it so. It’s the unspoken second half to Rule 3 (in particular) that makes it meaningful: “…as long as you’re willing to accept the consequences of your actions.”

In 1 Corinthians, the Apostle Paul says that, at a certain point, it’s time for us to put away “childish ways.” One hallmark of a maturing human being is their recognition to see that they simply don’t get to do and be everything they want. Other people have opinions and responses to our behavior, and many times those people have the power and authority to make us stop. That’s not unfair. That’s the result of living in a community.

When I teach classes or run group processes I always tell the participants: “No is a good answer.” I want them to understand they are not held captive by me. But I also hope they know they won’t get the full experience if they refuse to participate.

Autonomy is an important piece of a happy life, but it has to come with the recognition that we aren’t the sole member of this universe.