Adam Grant triggered me this past week, with his latest essay in the New York Times, “Your Most Ambivalent Relationships Are the Most Toxic” (paywall).
But the most toxic relationships aren’t the purely negative ones. They’re the ones that are a mix of positive and negative.
We often call them frenemies, supposed friends who sometimes help you and sometimes hurt you. But it’s not just friends. It’s the in-laws who volunteer to watch your kids but belittle your parenting. The roommate who gets you through a breakup and then starts dating your ex. The manager who praises your work but denies you a promotion.
I’m not gonna name names or tout specifics, but this hit way too close to home for me.
A few years ago, I had a prolonged set of interactions we might call “two faced.” I felt like one thing was said to me here, and then the opposite said over there. And that doesn’t take into account what was said when I wasn’t around.
No lie, it was the most traumatic period of my adult life. I spent nights awake trying to resolve the anxiety. I cried a lot. I had to duck out of a gathering of friends AT A WEDDING to go take a run because I needed the exercise produced endorphins to help me feel better.
I was a mess.
I’d say it was only in the last year that I’ve worked that stuff out of my system.
I had assumed that with a neighbor or a colleague, having some positive interactions was better than all negative interactions. But being cheered on by the same person who cuts you down doesn’t buffer the bad feelings; it amplifies them. And it’s not just in your head: It leaves a trace in your heart and your blood.
Adam Grant, Your Most Ambivalent Relationships Are the Most Toxic
What hurts about that period of my life is that I know the facts about people. “Hurt people hurt people” as they say. I had owned what was mine to own, but I knew the vast majority of what I was experiencing had to do with other people’s anxiety getting put on me.
The good news is: None of us are responsible for fixing other people’s anxiety.
The other good news is: We have the ability to put an end to the hurtful dynamic of anxiety.
A relationship in which you can’t be candid isn’t a relationship at all; it’s a charade. Research shows that we tend to underestimate how open people are to constructive suggestions. Feedback doesn’t always lead to change, but change doesn’t happen without feedback. The goal is to be as candid as possible in what you say and as caring as possible in how you say it. As Brené Brown emphasizes, “Clear is kind.”
I’ve seen people try to address ambivalence by declaring, “This relationship isn’t healthy for me.” That isn’t kind: It’s often received as “You’re a bad person” when the reality is inevitably more complicated. An ambivalent relationship deserves a more nuanced, more accurate message: “The mix of good and bad here isn’t healthy for us.”
Adam Grant, Your Most Ambivalent Relationships Are the Most Toxic
Assuming we’re not talking about a boss/manager, we get to say to each other: “This isn’t healthy for either of us.” We get to decide to exit the toxicity of the ambivalent relationship and move on with our lives. And the way we do that is by being the one person in the relationship committed to clarity, honesty, and transparency.
Even a single ambivalent interaction can take a toll, and it’s causation, not correlation. In one experiment, people gave impromptu speeches on controversial topics in front of a friend who offered feedback. Unbeknown to the participants, the researchers had randomly assigned the friend to give ambivalent or negative comments. Receiving mixed feedback caused higher blood pressure than pure criticism. “I would have gone about the topic differently, but you’re doing fine” proved to be more distressing than “I totally disagree with everything you’ve said.”
Adam Grant, Your Most Ambivalent Relationships Are the Most Toxic
We think we’re being gentle when we do the “Not my cup of tea, but you do you” routine. Instead, we’re just causing anxiety in others.
Directness appears cruel to those who like to hide behind ambivalence, but Nick Lowe is right: Sometimes, you gotta be cruel to be kind.
PLGRM 
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