PLGRM

I have a problem. My brian moves fairly quickly when I argue, and I don’t want to sacrifice any ground gained by slowing down to explain something. I want to get in, take my pot shots, and get out as the victor.

In those moments, I use shortcut phrases to make my point. The thing that characterizes a “shortcut phrase” is they’re just vague enough to make sense, but you can’t pin the precise meaning down. However, these words and phrases are loaded with just the right amount of emotional freight that they what makes them “successful” is their emotional punch rather than solid content.

Have you ever told someone “You sound just like So-and-so?”

Of course, you have. Not only is that question cruel, it’s often wrong. In now way does it capture the fullness of the situation at hand nor the other person.

Ah, humans. Aren’t we awesome?

I was reminded of this human tendency when reading an article on “The limits of therapy-speak” looking at how we have tried to import psychological terms into every day life to very poor effect.

Terms ordinarily confined to psychological settings have increasingly made their way into the mainstream. As more people sought out mental health treatment, especially during the height of the pandemic, and more therapists shared psychological concepts on social media, a greater portion of society writ large was introduced to therapy vernacular. Dubbed therapy-speak, the phenomenon has introduced new vocabulary to the masses, but many definitions have become muddled in the process. While these terms can prove validating for people who can now put a name to an experience, therapy-speak can eliminate all nuance from a conversation. In calling your mother a narcissist when she isn’t, for example, you might be inadvertently dismissing other important aspects of your relationship that don’t clearly map to that definition. As a result, your relationship may be at a standstill, with neither party knowing how to make progress to mend it.

Life is not as straightforward as therapy-speak purports. “There are gradations of the human experience,” says therapist Israa Nasir, and therapy-speak terms are often the most extreme ways of describing those experiences. A friend can be selfish and not a narcissist. You can feel stressed without experiencing trauma. A partner can lie without gaslighting. Instead, mental health professionals urge, you should embrace nuance and avoid pathologizing normal — albeit annoying or painful — behavior.

What is usually happening is we are “weaponizing” a set of authoritative terms. We don’t always intend to be malicious, but we’re trying to make a point. However, in doing so, we get caught in an loop where we can’t consider that we might not be accurate or fair.

Instead of defaulting to therapy-speak, [family therapist Moe Ari] Brown suggests using more words to describe your experience. “A lot of times we’re using terms to summarize what we need to in order to have a global understanding of something,” he says, “so we’ll say gaslighting because we think everybody will get what that means.” In reality, your perception of gaslighting might differ from another’s. When clients use therapy-speak, Brown asks them to describe the event in detail. Instead of one or two words, explain the situation and how you feel in a few sentences. “If you’re wanting to call someone a narcissist,” Brown says, “what is it that I mean? I’m meaning that I experienced them as self-important and not really taking the time to notice other people’s needs. It’s okay to say that because that really clearly expresses what you’re thinking.”