PLGRM

Sadly, the US Open is over for another year. My new favorite player, Coco Gauff, won (as I predicted she would when I saw her play in Round 1). It was magical.

An exciting thing about the Open this year was it was the 50th anniversary celebration of equal pay for women and men. This is a long revered achievement spearheaded by Bille Jean King, and this year was a party for her and the rest of the Original 9.

I learned am important lesson during this year’s Open watching people talk about Billie Jean. They would use words like “legendary,” “seminal,” trailblazing,” “fierce,” etc., and she would not only not correct them or defer the compliment. She would not even react.

I might be reading into the moment, but I watched BJK stand there neither embarrassed by the attention nor so desperate for praise that she made a big deal out of it. She knows what she has done. She knows knows how good she is and was. She is absolutely aware of her gifts and skills. Not only does she not need to pretend as if she’s not as good as you say, she doesn’t need your validation either.

It was a remarkable thing to witness.

I can’t remember which friend it was, but I remember there was one person who, whenever we would get together, we would designate our time as “The Big Ego Mutual Admiration Hour.” The idea was it was a safe place for the kinds of vulnerability most people have a problem with. In that space and that time we would be unreserved not only in our assessment of the gifts of each other but of ourselves. It was during those get togethers that I could, without shame, name the things that I believed to be gifts of mine. I could say the things I thought I was good at and not have to follow it up with an apology.

That was the “big ego” pat of the formula. The “mutual admiration” part came when my friend would be unreserved in his affirmation that, yes, I was in fact very good at that thing (and when I did that for him).

It was like the most honest and genuine ego boost I’ve ever been a part of. I want all people to expereince that.

In the Sunday School class I teach someone said something last week that chapped my hide. They used the word “just.” They used it to describe themselves. They used it to describe the wok they do.

They said “I spent a lot of years of my life studying for the ministry, but now I just work in an office.”

I consider this person a friend, so I didn’t lose my cool at them. But I was very very sad.

The thing about that interaction is this friend is very good at their work. Like, VERY good at their work. They find joy in it and it helps provide for their family. There is not only nothing to be ashamed of in the work, but there is much to be celebrated. So when they diminished their work by using “just” I couldn’t handle it.

I experience people doing this all the time. They see their situation, work, skills, etc and they compare them to others and diminish or dismiss their own gifts and contribution. At some level, yes, there is a reason to applaud that we are not falling prey to self-aggrandizing behavior, but I worry about the opposite side of the spectrum.

I worry about people not being honest about their gifts and skills. I see people refusing to take credit for or brag on what they are able to do.

I’ve decided, in my own life, to make a habit of not shying away from naming what I’m good at, what gifts I have, what benefit I bring to situations/projects/whathaveyou. I try to remain cognizant of the human tendency to overblow our gifts, but I’m no longer willing to pretend I’m not good at something.

I did this with someone on the phone just yesterday and even after several years of committing to this practice it still felt weird. I still feel a twinge of guilt when I name something or hear someone else name it about me.

I want to be like BJK. You should want that, too.